Recently, my partner and I got engaged. We’ve known each other for eight years, been together for four, and have discussed (in-depth) our plans for getting engaged, married, and eventually moving to the countryside à la Practical Magic, where we’d sit on our wraparound porch and drink midnight margaritas.
So was I surprised when my fiancée popped the question? Yes and no. Surprised that it was happening at that very moment as I was in a post-charcuterie board haze, slightly wine drunk, and making a joke about how if I put my hood up I looked like a penis. But not surprised that it was going to happen at some point in time.
As two fairly type A older daughters, we thought we were very prepared for any questions we’d be asked.
‘When are you thinking of getting married?’
‘Summer 2027’
‘Where are you thinking of getting married?’
‘Probably France’
‘Am I invited?’
‘Definitely not’
But what we weren’t prepared for is how many people would ask us how lesbians ‘do’ engagements.
Whether it was a family member, friend, or the very kind ladies in Avoca who were admiring my ring, a puzzled look would appear on their face and we’d know what was coming ‘So are you going to propose back?’
My partner was always going to propose first. Why? Honestly, I always teased her, saying that she wouldn’t be able to surprise me, as I plan everything. So it kind of became a challenge that she would do it first.
Once the ring was on my finger, I knew that my fiancée was waiting (not so patiently) for me to propose back, but that was just because she wanted a shiny new piece of jewellery. We both figured, just like a straight couple, once a ring was on a finger, we were engaged. Of course, I’d ask back and make a fuss and make sure she got her moment too, but I had a giant rock (two actually) on my finger so it was signed, sealed, and delivered. We were engaged.
Not every couple is the same, so I’m not here to speak on behalf of all lesbians in the world, but isn’t that how it should be? Once the question is asked, you are considered to be engaged. Queue the wedding planning and excitement.
But I guess every couple is different, and who am I to say how lesbians ‘do’ engagements. So I sent a message out to the LGBTQ+ universe, and found a couple of folk who were up for answering my questions.
Q. Have you ever thought about getting married? And if so, what are your thoughts?
El (they/them): Yes, I would have and would love to – not because of like the expectation but because I love love and there is a material difference in people’s lives through marriage.
Nicki (she/her): Yes I have, I think it’s a beautiful way to show your commitment to your partner and feel like a unit as a family.
Katie F (she/her): I can’t wait to call my partner ‘my wife’. It feels more permanent, more respected. “Girlfriend” isn’t a comfortable word to use for me in most circumstances, so I say ‘my partner’ which I feel dilutes the significance of a wlw relationship.
Q. Would you like to propose or be proposed to? Have you discussed this with your partner?
El (they/them): I think proposed to, only because I can never see myself having enough money to do a proposal properly.
Nicki (she/her): I would get proposed to, then propose to my partner after. We’ve discussed it several times! My partner would like to propose first and is very keen on that but also wants her moment and her ring.
Q. What made you decide you wanted to propose/be proposed to?
Sarah (she/her): I wouldn’t be able to deal with the prospect of being rejected or the nerves. And I love the attention.
Nicki (she/her): It’s always just been what I imagined? I do feel maybe it’s down to typical gender roles in society with the more feminine one being the one that gets proposed to (sad to say, but it’s true)
Katie F (she/her): Why does anyone really? To feel loved? To know that someone’s committed to you for life? I think there’s something so lovely in the gesture. I would die if it was a big public display, but the idea of being away, just us and to have them propose to me with the reasons why just sounds great.
Q. Do you think the LGBTQ+ community has to consider more things when deciding to get married?
Sarah (she/her): I think they might have to think about it a little bit less, only because we’re spared from the heteronormative gender roles of the man proposing. So it might be more natural to pop the question less formally, or for it to come up – and be decided on – mid-conversation. I also think we’re spared from the pressure to get married as well.
Katie F (she/her): 100%. Even from the engagement, I feel there’s still an unspoken fear of the PDA element of that grand gesture. Then the issue around what you wear, especially for masc/feminine presenting queer folk. Another big one for me is managing the invite list and amalgamating my home life with the family I’ve created within the community. They’ve always been two very separate things. Mixing the two for the celebration makes me feel a good bit vulnerable.
Q. Do you think getting married is an outdated idea in the LGBTQ+ community?
Katie K (she/they): No, if a person wants to be married that is their own prerogative. Would never shame someone for that.
Katie F (she/her): Each to their own, but no. I don’t think so. Maybe the view of marriage being a ‘traditional concept’ is outdated but I love the idea of knowing I’ve my own family unit, recognised by the state and have all the benefits like that of any heteronormative couple.
Q. If only one person in the couple had a ring, would you consider them engaged?
Katie (she/they): Yes, you are a fiancée if you propose or are proposed to.
Katie F (she/her): Does the couple consider themselves engaged? If so, then yeah. Why not? In a straight relationship there is only 1 engagement ring.
The gays are notoriously in the know (I mean would Chappell have popped off without them?), so I tend to believe what they have to say. And the consensus is: If the straights can be considered engaged with only one ring, why can’t we? Sure we might decide to go down a less traditional route, but at the end of the day if it looks like an engagement and sounds like an engagement, it’s an engagement.
Moral of the story? In same-sex engagements, anything goes. Propose once. Propose twice. Propose multiple times. There are no rules, live your life your way.
